I am dancing with depression on the edge of the cliff called bitterness. and I am tired of being depressed. My Mother says no one likes a Debby Downer. It's true. Well maybe a therapist does. But that's because they're paid....right? So I'm thinking I need to drag myself to a therapist. This joblessness and feeling useless has got to end. I need an attitude adjustment. Better living through chemistry.
Today I got laid off from doing our company books. No more paycheck. Not that it was much, but it afforded me a little autonomy which, I have discovered too late, is very needed. This living hand to mouth to save money for something unknown in some figurative future is not for me. It is my husband's mantra though. Maybe I'm just angry because he doesn't seem to worry. No sleepless nights for him. Thank the gods and god and goddesses and whoever is responsible for those lovely sleeping pills. It's a good thing I don't really like alcohol or I'd be drinking myself into a stupor each and every night to get my brain to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Just make the world go away please.
I can tell my family is tired of me. I'm tired of me too. Well, fuck the "pull yourself up by your own boot straps" mentality. It's my life and I am the one who is living it.
You know, Suzanne, this is really strange to me because you have never EVER been a Debbie Downer. Seriously. You are the one who keeps the rest of us positive. You are facing REAL problems. You are justified in your concern. These assholes who sleep the night away next to us, worry-free, do so because they are able to lay the blame and worry right at our feet. You can feel badly if you want. And if Mom doesn't want to hear about it, fuck her. Call me. I will listen. I love you. And, btw, she tells me the same thing all the time and I know she has complained to Millie and probably you about how negative I am.... it's because she is selfish and has never been able to handle the fact that we have some serious emotional baggage because we did not have a secure attachment relationship as infants and children. So there. :p. Anyway, no amount of cheerfulness or pollyanna-ish behavior is going to solve our poverty problems. And we are married to men who would oppress us while still expecting to keep their comfortable lifestyles. I am ready to go work at Target, or Walmart, or whereever.... and not here. Not in this godforsaken boondocky shithole of a state that caters to wealthy people and doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone else. Maybe we should move to North Dakota.
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