Cancer. Standing and visiting with an internist who wanted to help. He read the radiology report and then looked up and said the metastatic disease in the liver is extensive. During the rest of the conversation he would say things like, "If I had so little time..." Now, I realize this man is no oncologist but still, hearing the words was a shock that we're not quite beyond. So now I'm wondering just how bad it really is. In order to get the life insurance sold for cash, we need an oncologist to verify that it's terminal and that he has less than 2 years to live. Of course we're probably going to ask just how long he really has. Maybe. Do we want to know? Colon cancer that has mastasized to the liver is right up there with pancreatic cancer in terms of treatment success. And that's using AMA chemo and radiation. Naturopathic medicines take time. But it's not my life.
Yesterday the ND asked if I was on board with the treatment protocol they'd decided on. What a terrible burden to put on me. What was I going to say? I have doubts. As my friend said, "Even if Jesus Christ showed up on a donkey she'd still give it 50/50". I'm a seeing is believing kind of person. So are my doubts going to slow or arrest the healing process?
My entire day has been taken up with calling hospitals and reading about insurance and what it covers. How do I stay sane through this?
Suzanne, I don't know why I didn't see this sooner -- but your doubts are not going to hinder anything. This is a road you cannot go down. You simply cannot. Nothing you have ever done or said and nothing you will ever say or do has caused his cancer or sped up his cancer or hurt his treatment options. You have been so kind and so patient and such a supportive spouse that I don't even think you can see the forest for the trees. The absolutely LAST thing that you need to worry about is guilt. Do not go down that road, my sister.
ReplyDelete