Maintenance

Weight:  243.2

Haven't been here in a while.  When I went on maintenance I weighed 241, and for the past two weeks I have hovered at 243.
There should be an apple day in there somewhere, but life just gets in the way.  Sister-in-law and boyfriend bring supper one night, cranky husband wants me to actually cook a meal.  I lost my focus.  Suddenly, life is crowding back to the forefront and I am putting myself in the back again.  It takes work, real work, I am ashamed to say, to keep my self in focus.  It's so much easier, if shortsighted, to just please everyone else.

The difficulty with keeping my self in focus is because I am exposed to so many things: other's opinions, other's expectations, prejudices.  At the moment I am having to shove my self out there to get an internship.  I know that this is good for me, but my tendency is to just be the nice, helpful, happy person.  The trouble with that is helpful, happy people get stomped on or run over.  We aren't forceful or bullying so we're not respected, we're almost sub-human.

I am sensitive because I have been taught well by a bully mother and a father who wasn't really there.  I never had the sense of our parent's "having our backs".  So instincts and sensitivity played a big role in our childhood.

I think I'm ready to find center again.  I need some alone time.